By Dr. Sheldon Nix

Trying to understand how men think and what men want?  Something else struggle with is what I call “The Paycheck Dilemma.”  It’s about what a paycheck means to a man vs. what it means to women.

(Note: This series is part of a larger video training program called “What Makes Men Tick” which you can find at www.WhatMakesMenTick.com)

A BIG Motivation of Men: The Hero Quest

A fundamental motivation of men which has been found around the world in all cultures is to go out into the world and conquer it.  In one of my books, I call it “The Hero Quest.”

The Hero Quest is the deep desire and need of a man to overcome the world, to conquer it, to exercise and demonstrate his manhood / prowess / strength by slaying dragons, conquering obstacles, beating back the enemy, and wresting from the world what he wants and needs.

Back in the day, men did this by going to war (some still do), conquering lands, dominating women, enslaving others, hunting down animals for game, etc..  Today the fields upon which they prove their manhood are a little less violent, although we still have and need warriors.  Modern proving grounds include sports and the workplace.  So…

Slide from “What Makes Men Tick” video course, Session 2.  Only part of this slide is explained here.  The rest I cover in the video.

What a Paycheck Means to a Man: Proof of Manhood

If this makes sense to you, then you’ll understand that a man’s manhood is partially determined by the size of the man’s…em…paycheck (stick with me here!)

A problem is that paychecks these days are uncertain and so a man can never feel fully confident in his paycheck a.k.a. manhood.  And when men lose their jobs, they tend to feel ashamed, embarassed, and fairly quickly get depressed if it goes on for a while.  Not all men, of course, but this is a frequent male reaction.  Why? Because it’s like they feel they’ve failed as a man, failed to get the job done (literally!).

A paycheck is a kind of proof that he’s being a man, that he’s getting the job done, beating the competition (for jobs, promotions, sales, etc.), and providing for his family.

What a Paycheck Means to a Woman: Money!

So here’s a big difference with women.  For women, even highly career-oriented women if they are married and/or have children, a paycheck means first and foremost money.  That is, it means that she has what she needs to provide for herself and her family.

So when women lose their jobs, they tend to think first and foremost in terms of how they will provide for their families.  (One exception is if her husband makes a lot of money and the job is more of an option.)  Women don’t tend to spiral into depression when they lose their jobs because their self-esteem is much less on the line.

So, ladies…when you see your man working long hours or, if he’s unempl0yed, if you see him depressed, drinking, angry, or manifesting other dysfunctional behavior, understand that he’s like the losing army who has been defeated and enslaved by the enemy.  He feels embarassed, taunted, and demoralized — but is afraid to reveal that to you or often even his buddies.

It’s a man thing, but NOW you understand!

Ok, let’s have some dialogue on this.  Ladies, have you noticed your man acting this way? Has he expressed some feelings similar to what I’ve described?  Brothers what do YOU think?  Is this what your paycheck means to you?  Leave me a comment using the link below.

You can get more video based training from our What Makes Men Tick website.

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Author: Dr. Sheldon Nix has a Ph.D. in counseling psychology and 10 years of training in life coaching and small business coaching.  A former university professor and current pastor, he is the Founder of Project Manhood(TM) and has worked with men in small groups and large retreats for 18 years all around the U.S..  He has trained many churches and other organizations to operate programs for men.  In other words…he knows men (oh and he is happily married to a woman who understands him!) See his Facebook profile.

See what Dr. Nix’s co-trainer Darrell V. Freeman, M.A. has to say about How Men Think from his www.howmenthinktoday.com blog.

By Dr. Sheldon Nix.

Men struggle with many things, but there are 5 that they will probably never tell you.  This 5-part series will give you some insight into how men think and why they struggle in these areas.  (Note: This series is part of a larger video training program called “What Makes Men Tick” which you can find at www.whatmakesmentick.com)

You’ll notice that all 5 dilemmas in the end always have something to do with a man’s identity as a man.

Society’s Messages to Men as Husbands

What society tells men varies, but in most cultures men get one message from other men, and a double message from women.

What Men Want to Be Like as Husbands: Strong

The message most men get from the male culture is to be strong, independent, not dependent on others, and in control of emotions.  Boys who do not exhibit this kind of profile tend to be teased, bullied, and looked down upon by other boys.

The research on this has been done all across the world.  Take, for example, the typical games boys play.  In America, if they play basketball, and one guy elbows another guy and hurts him, a boy who starts crying or even complaining (at least in a whining sort of way) will soon earn the disrespect of other boys.  Instead, he is expected to show no emotion other than anger, and is also expected to just play the game.  The best revenge is victory!

I remember watching my wife’s nephew get a haircut, and the barber was being pretty rough, cutting fast and clearly hurting him some.  I started to say something but I could see that my nephew-in-law was being tough, stoic, not showing his pain.  So if I had said something to the barber, I would have undermined my nephew-in-law’s public stance of toughness.  So I said nothing but never took him to that joker again.

That is a typical male scenario.

What Women Want: Be Tough AND Tender

What modern women want in their men is toughness, strength, ability to endure and persevere.  They don’t want a man who cries too easily or too long, or fails to keep pushing forward.  I’ve asked women in many workshops: If a man loses his job, how long can he be depressed?

Over and over women have said: a few days.  Then I ask: So if he feels depressed for several weeks, even a couple months, how would you feel.  Sometimes I have to tease it out of them, but they end up admitting that they would start to lose respect for him.

THEN I ask: Ok so if YOU lose YOUR job, and get depressed, and tell your husband you need to take a break from working so you can get yourself back together, what do you want from him?  Answer: understanding, no pressure, I want his support, etc..

Ok, so that’s what women want.  But they ALSO want a man who can share his feelings.  Share his heart.  Empathize with her feelings.  Be sensitive (anybody feeling me here?).

So…women want men who are tough and tender all wrapped up in one.  And that IS possible, BUT it becomes a dilemma for men.  It’s hard for them to know when and where to be each, and hard to not feel like less of a man when you are being tender.   Besides, how do you allow yourself to feel your feelings like depression and then just cut them off!!!

By Dr. Sheldon Nix

Trying to understand how men think?  Ok so here’s something they struggle with.  It’s dilemma #2 that men have: communication.  I can hear the ladies saying YES!  He won’t talk to me.  

(Note: This series is part of a larger video training program called “What Makes Men Tick” which you can find at www.whatmakesmentick.com)

Actually, men DO talk.  Listen carefully: Men are speaking a different language! Actually, they are speaking the same language differently.  Here’s what I mean.

The Goal of Women in Communication: Connection

When women communicate (outside of the workplace or task settings) they are seeking intimacy.  Connection.  Sharing of emotions, communicating where they are at, what they are feeling.  They want someone to know what they are going through, what they are wanting, what life is like in their skin.

Think about the classic game girls play as girls: dolls, house (this is changing, of course, in the internet-Xbox-Wii age but still has validity).  What is the “goal” of dolls?  It’s not to “win”!  It’s to create a world together through words.  Girls, who tend to play in smaller more intimate play groups, thrive on communicating thoughts and feelings.

The Goal of Men in Communication: Winning the Game

Now…what is the classic game of boys: sports like football, basketball, soccer (to use the American term), etc..  The goal is to win, to beat the other team.  Communication revolves around playing the game.  There are rules, points to determine, fouls to call, etc..

Should there be any conflict, it gets resolved quickly and they “move on” and “play the game”.  Can you imagine boys on a field discussing their feelings?

Now when those boys grow up, they continue to focus their communication on “playing the game” – except that it is a much bigger and more serious game.  This includes the game of marriage and relationships.

So in a conflict or any other discussion with you, they are looking for how to “win,” how to get points on the scoreboard and get the game done, especially in conflict or bad feeling situations.  They are asking themselves: “How do I get this solved / done / over / solved / fixed / solved (did I say solved)?”

Different Styles of Communication: Headlines vs. Fine Print

So if your goal is to get something solved / won / finished, then you look for the shortest route to that objective.  So men speak in headlines.  They utilize “functional” communication in which they say something in order to achieve something as quickly as possible.  They “cut to the chase”, “get to the bottom line,” “get to the point.”

(Women speak this way also in work situations which call for that kind of communication.  It’s just that men do it most of the time on and off the job.)

But if your goal is communing / sharing where you are at, then women use many more words to draw people into their world.  Women speak in the fine print.

Slide from “What Makes Men Tick” video course, Session 2

The dilemma for men — one of them — is that they grow up using communication for one kind of goal, and then they get involved with a woman who wants them to start speaking for another whole purpose: “sharing their feelings.”

Now one last thing. Men DO communicate their deeper feelings, but they communicate feelings differently than women.  You have to learn the feeling language of men.  It’s not how women express feelings, it’s how MEN express feelings.  But I won’t try to go into that part of things in this post.  I cover that in detail in Session 2 of our What Makes Men Tick video course.  Meanwhile, I hope this helps you understand a little more about how men think.

Let’s have a dialogue about this.  What are your biggest communication frustrations with men? Leave a comment using the link below.  Maybe we can shed some light.

Discover How Men Think. Get Our Video Training.

You can get more video based training from our What Makes Men Tick website.

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Author: Dr. Sheldon Nix has a Ph.D. in counseling psychology and 10 years of training in life coaching and small business coaching.  A former university professor and current pastor, he is the Founder of Project Manhood(TM) and has worked with men in small groups and large retreats for 18 years all around the U.S..  He has trained many churches and other organizations to operate programs for men.  In other words…he knows men (oh and he is happily married to a woman who understands him!) See his Facebook profile.

See what Dr. Nix’s co-trainer Darrell V. Freeman, M.A. has to say about How Men Think About Lying on his www.howmenthinktoday.com blog.

What do men want from a woman?  This series explores some of the central things men want when they get involved with a woman.